Loose Ends

I was reading some old posts and realized I tend to let things slip.  I wrote about Jane's and my cantankerous relationship and how I have ideas for handling that and then never got back about that. 

What Marty and I came up with is that there has to be natural consequences.  If she has stuff to be completed and doesn't get it done, she doesn't get to do the things she wants.  That might be dance class, watch t.v., go out with friends (yes, my homeschool girl has somehow managed to make a few of those!), or sleep in.  I have to focus on teaching her the discipline of doing what needs to be done and then being free to do what you want.  That is why I have been so pleased lately.  She seems to really be catching on and taking the initiative. 

I can't be nagging, yelling, etc.  That's unpleasant for all of us.  The hard part comes when I see her making a poor choice and I know that she will have to sacrifice something later.  The inclination is to remind her (translate: nag).  She will learn and has learned faster by experiencing the uncomfortableness of her choice and then remembering next time.  I've learned that when I nag and yell (yes, it's shocking, I sometimes yell at my kids!) it becomes about me.

Most of the time, I find that when I am upset with a child of mine and I want to yell at them, it is because I don't want them to have a consequence.  I can see where something is leading...why won't they listen to me so they can avoid a consequence.  That's dumb.  When I see that and realize that's where my frustration is coming from, it's so much easier to choose something else.  I can choose to see those times as opportunities for my kids to grow.  I have to have confidence that they are smart enough to figure it out.  It feels so much more victorious to see them "authentically" learn a valuable lesson.

I'll write more soon.