This semester I'm feeling like a terrible homeschool mom. I don't think I'm spending near enough time with Ruth, my 9 year old. I just feel inadequate; spread too thin. She just troops along with her school work, but I spent so much more time with the other kids at that age. (Then, I hear a voice in my head and it tells me, "She's probably better off. She's learning to teach herself. She'll be more independent.") Maybe. I don't know. I miss the quiet days at the table. I miss the rhythm we used to have.
At times like these, times when I find myself constantly waiting for something to change (particularly to change back), I find it's time to say goodbye to a chapter in my life and realize I'm in a new chapter. I can look back on my homeschool career and see many chapters. They are all different and all were equally uncomfortable at the beginning. It's just with homeschooling, sometimes life dictates changes you don't expect/can't control. I can hear you all saying, "What? She didn't expect taking a 16-hour a week job to affect her homeschooling? Is she crazy??" Yeah..I did and I knew the ways in which it would change the rhythm of our days. But I guess I thought we'd settle into a new routine. It just seems like there are never any routine days.
So, this is the schedule for this semester:
Mondays: I work 7:30-4pm; Jane dances 6-7:30pm
Tuesdays: Jane has sewing 10-12:30; Jane demonstrates dance 4-5pm; Ruth dances 5-6pm and Sam usually works at the grocery store 5-9pm.
Wednesdays: I work 7:30-4pm; Jane dances 6-7:30pm.
Thursdays: Jane demonstrates dance 9:30-11:30am (I get the girls up after taking Sam to school and we go to Bread Company and do school work. My sister, Karen, usually meets us. Then we get home @noon and have lunch and continue with school work.) Jane has dance 7-9:15pm.
Fridays: Piano 9:30-10:30; co-op 11:15-3:30pm (I usually drop her off, except during February which is my month to help clean at the co-op so Ruth and I will stay and she'll do her school in the room designated for siblings); Ruth dances 5:15-6:15pm and I work the desk at that time.
Saturdays: I work the dance studio 10:30-2pm; Jane dances 10:45-12:15pm; Sam usually works an 8 hour shift Saturday or Sunday.
The challenge for me is to remember that these are the years I dreamed of. These are the years I am blessed with; truly. This is the stuff that, in remembering, will keep a smile on my face in my old age. I don't want to wish it away.
Another challenge is to not let my feelings of failure or inadequacy overwhelm or discourage me. So, at the co-op yesterday, Ruth and I were doing school work in the library. I was, as I say, feeling really discouraged. Then, as I'm doing math and english with Ruth over the course of the two hours, I realize that she's doing great! Yes, there's work to be done and I need to beef up her curriculum, but she's a smart girl and will be in her 4th grade books by April. My panic and concern is not undue, I just have to make sure it doesn't get the best of me. I need to renew my efforts with Ruth, but she's going to be fine. This is the clarity I wish I had in the early years. Homeschooling is a huge undertaking and it's so easy to panic or be discouraged. But homeschooling is a process and patience with the process is required. Here's a poem that began the 2nd Unit in Ruth's English textbook that I really liked:
Little by little, and straight and high
A bush to a tall tree grows.
Little by little, the days go by
And a bud becomes a rose.
Little by little, the children grow
Taller and taller and then,
Little by little, they change
And, lo, they turn into women and men.
We discussed how we can't rush some things; a lot of important things take time. We talked about how even though you can't always see it, big things are happening. How true. I learn SO much from my kids and from my homeschool adventure with them! There....I feel better!
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